Selections From V.S. Naipaul’s Yelp Account – The Awl

byMike?

Barthel

Wienerville,USACategories:FastFood,Hot?

Dogs

MyfellowYelpians,donotbefooledbytheexteriortrappingsofthiseatery。

Yes,thevividlysaturatedjonquilmarqueeandtheweatheredred-brickfa?

adeareabeacontolustytravelers,promisingthesensualdelightsofameatwell-cured。

Butthiscovenantisdishonoredbythefemininebanalitieslitteringthemenu。

ConsidertheirdescriptionoftheSouthwesternDog:“Howdy,partner!

Thisall-beefdogissmotheredinred-beanchili,meltedprovolone,jalapenosandwhiteonion。

Yee-haw!

”Howlikeawomantokeepone’sviewsoresolutelyinthekitchen!

Howlikeawomantoexpressnature’srednessoftoothandclawwiththelimpdescriptor“all-beef”!

Howlikeawomantoreducetheravagesofcolonialismtoa“Howdy”anda“Yee-haw!

”Wienerville?

Ithink?

not。

CentralDistrictFitnessCategory:Gyms

IamafraidImustreporttotheYelpcommunitythatIhavebeenforcedtocancelmymembershiptothisonce-honorableestablishment。

Wheretherewererowsofbaremetalhulkingandgleamingundercagedbulbs,therearenowthesentimentallycurvedatrocitiesoftheellipticalmachineandthetreadmill;wheretherewasthesimplesoundtrackofmen’sgutturalexertions,thereisnowsomefrightfulteenagebish-bash。

And,quitefrankly,thereisanunpleasantodornowtotheplacethatstickstoone’sclotheslongafterone’svisit。

Allthesehamstertoysandworksimulationsservetodoisprovideawomantheillusionofmastery?

—?

whetheroverheraffairs,herhomeorherownbody。

Irefusetopay$59amonthtosubsidizelies。

BarnesandNobleUnionSquareCategory:Bookstores

Imademywayhereoneafternoontolookatmyownbooks,andtoeatatriplechocolateCheesecakeFactory?

cheesecakeslicefromthecoffeecounter,butIfoundmyselfquiteunabletomakemywaythroughtheaisleshereduetothepresenceofsomewomanbook-makernamed,Ibelieve,ToniMorrison?

(Thatiswhatmyassistant,alovelywomanwhomakesanexcellentpotofteaandcannotwriteherwayoutofapaperbag,tellsme。

)Therewerethrongsofadmirers,mostlywomenoflowtasteofcourse,andtheymadeitentirelyimpossibleformetomovefreely。

Well!

ImademywayroughlythroughthecrowdtothereadingareaandIcriedout,“Mydear,howdareyougetuponthatpodiumwhenawriterofsuchgreatercapabilitieswandersthefloor,unacknowledged?

”Imaynothaveputitquitethatgrandly,butthatwasthegistofit,atleast。

IdonotknowhowexactlytheymanagedtoremovemebodilyfromthestorewhatwiththesupernaturalpowerIamabletopullfromthepresenceofmymagnificentbooks,butnextthingIknewIwasoutonthesidewalk。

Iwillcertainlynotbereturningtoabookstorewithsuchalowregardforhigh?

art。

MindyK。

Singh,MDCategory:Proctologists

Iwouldprefernottodiscussthedetails,butsufficetosaythatthiscountry’ssupposedlytop-notchmedicalschoolshavebeenmakingsomevery,veryquestionabledecisionsinrecentyearsasregardsthegenderratiooftheirstudentbodiesandtheareasinwhichtheyencouragespecialization。

Whathasbecomeofthenobleartsofnursingandmidwifery?

Whencethedoulasoftomorrow?

Frank’sTransmissionRepairCategory:Auto?

Repair

Imustconfesstoacertainbafflementasregardstheotherreviewsonthispage,whichseemquitenegative。

Ifailedtoencounterthehostileserviceothersfaced。

Instead,Ifoundtheall-malestaffhereuniformlyprofessionalandefficient。

Frank’sfeaturesnocowardlykowtowstowomen’sfearofthemechanicalandphysical,nofrillycurtainsonthecashierwindowtoplacatethenewmothercomingintohavetheairfilterchangedonthePriusshe’swastedherhusband’ssalaryonasapatheticshieldagainstherowninexorablemortality,no“relatable”womentakingyourinformationtosoothetheshatterednervesoftheancientbiddytheretohaveanoiseinvestigatedontheBMWthriceasbeautifulasherruinedface。

Therearejustmen,puissantintheirskills,matchingoutfitsdampwiththeirsweatandtheindustrialeffluviumoftheirtrade,doingwhattheydobest。

Perhaps$300isabitmorethaniscustomaryforanoilchange,butafterall,itisimpossibletopaytoomuchtobeinthepresenceoftruegreatness。

PenthouseExecutiveClubCategories:Steakhouses,AdultEntertainment

Could’veusedmore?

boobs。

MikeBarthelhasa?