As American As Xbox and Fried Chicken – The Awl

byDavidRothandDavid?

Raposa

DavidRoth:Readanygoodoverhypedpseudo-exposesthis?

week?

DavidRaposa:God,afterthatGlobe“exclusive,”Idon’tknowifIcantakeanymorehardtruths。

BASEBALLPLAYERSDRINKBEERANDPARTAKEOFUNHEALTHYFOODSTUFFS。

MIDDLE-AGEDMANWITHKNEEPROBLEMSTAKESPAINMEDICATION。

SUBPAREFFORTSFROMHITTERSANDPITCHERSLEADSTOLOSSES。

(IamactuallyyellingthoseasI?

type。

)

DavidRoth:Iknow,Icanhearyou。

IthinkJohnLackeyeatingalotofPopeye’sissortoftheoppositeof“scoop。

”Thetalesofsamearewell-sourcedandallthat,butIalreadyknewasmuch。

Dudelookslikeapeevishcurly-fry,soIcouldguessthatmuchofwhatheeatsfallsunderthe“GoldenBrown”?

heading。

DavidRaposa:Asidefromthecheckshewascashing,themanhadashittyyearallaround。

Idon’tbegrudgehimalittlecomfortfoodandsome“Halo。

”ButIwilldefinitelygrudgethehelloutofthenotionthatthisstorywas“well-sourced。



DavidRoth:Idon’tthinktheyshouldhavewrittenitorrunit。

Obviouslypeopleintheregionwantedtoreadit,andtheInternetlovestohateit,buttheAllThePresident’sMenponderousnessofitisviciousself-satire,foronething。

AndtheideaofthereporterscallingJasonVaritekathometoaskhimtoconfirmordenythepopularityofmassive-multi-playergamingamongthepitchingstaffiswince-cityfor?

me。

DavidRaposa:“Whenreachedforcomment,HalHolbrookhadthistosay:‘Themostoutrageousliesthatcanbeinventedwillfindbelieversifamanonlytellsthemwithallhis?

might。

’”

DavidRoth:Alsoandmoretothepoint,thatwholethingcould’vebeenrewrittenwitha“theselovablerogues”slantiftheteamhadwonliketwomoregamesinSeptember。

Could’veandwould’ve?

been。

DavidRaposa:Exactly。

ImagineifSeattleorBaltimore’ssportsjournalistswereasfixatedonmakingsenseofitallasBoston’s?

were。

DavidRoth:Ireally,reallywanttoreadasimilarlydeep/densestoryabouttheOrioleslockerroom。

LukeScottandHankWilliamsJr。

justhangingoutinthereduringgames,firinghandgunsintotheairandrantingabouttheUnitedNationsand“BarrySoetoro。



DavidRaposa:EXCLUSIVE:DANIELCABRERANOTAGOODPITCHER,HASANGERISSUES。

OVER-THE-HILLVETERANSFAILTORECREATECAREER-BESTPERFORMANCES。

(OK,myupstairsneighborsjusttoldmetoquiet?

down。

)

DavidRoth:Also,thatstorycouldprobablybewrittenaboutanyteam,right?

Theonlythingthatkeepsusfromknowingaboutatowel-clad,OldCrow-soddenClintBarmesdrivinganATVaroundtheAstroslockerroomaftergamesisthefactthatnoonecarestowriteabout?

it。

DavidRaposa:ExceptuphereintheNortheast!

DavidRoth:PresumablyWEEIiscallingforCongressionalhearings?

DavidRaposa:It’sreallynotsomuchAllThePresident’sMenasitissomethird-ratejingoisticconspiracythrillerstarringCasparVanDien,F。

MurrayAbraham,andaformerSuicide?

Girl。

DavidRoth:NowthattheRedSoxhavemanagedtofreethemselvesofthemanagerandGMthathelpedthemwinthosetwoWorldSeries,doyouthinkthey’llfinallybeabletoaccomplishsomething?

Theywantmostwhattheycan’thave:aWorldSerieswinagainsttheYankees。

Achievedaftergoing162–0againsttheYankees。

AndsweepingtheYankeesineverypossiblepre-Seriesplayoffscenarioahyper-caffeinatedBudSeligcan?

concoct。

DavidRaposa:Gosh,Ihopeso!

Goingintotheplayoffseveryyearwithnothingtoshowforitsuregotstale!

ItwaslikebeingaYankeefan。

It’sactuallykindofreassuringtoseethatthegoodoldRedSoxInferiorityComplexisnotonlyaliveandwell,butabsolutelythriving。

DavidRoth:Ihatetoputyouinthepositionofsoothsayingforamulti-stateregionoftotalmaniacs,butwhatdoSoxfansactuallywant?

TowinaWorldSerieswithLarryBird,CaseyAffleckandCarltonFiskas?

co-GMs?

DavidRaposa:Theywantmostwhattheycan’thave:aWorldSerieswinagainsttheYankees。

Achievedaftergoing162–0againsttheYankees。

AndsweepingtheYankeesineverypossiblepre-Seriesplayoffscenarioahyper-caffeinatedBudSeligcan?

concoct。

DavidRoth:Includingcandlepinbowlingandacontesttoseewhichteam“getsthemostoutof”theSamAdamsbrewery?

tour。

DavidRaposa:IwouldlovetoseeaYankees-RedSoxWorldSeriesofCompetitiveEating,justtoseewhatthepostingfeewouldbetonegotiatewithTakeruKobayashi。

DavidRoth:IthinkTheoEpsteinisreallygoingtoenjoyrunningtheCubs。

Lessdemandingdrunksinthestands,andMarlonByrdandDarwinBarneyswappedinforEllsburyandPedroia。

Shouldbe?

great!

DavidRaposa:IlovehowEpstein’slegacyseeminglywentfrom“breakingTheCurse,buildingadefactodynastyandestablishingoneofthebestfarmsystemsinallofbaseball”to“lolCarlCrawford”afteronebad?

month。

DavidRoth:Totally。

IthinktheMetswouldbehappytodiscussaCrawfordforJasonBayswapiftheSoxwerelookingtogetsomemoregritout?

there。

DavidRaposa:IthoughttheSoxletBaywalkbecausehewas“tooCanadian?

”(Andifit’sanissueofneedinggrit,I’msureDarinErstadisnearhisflip-phone,breakingrockswithhisforehead。

)

DavidRoth:Intermsofrunproduction,Bayhasbeen“tooBelgian”withtheMets。

Also,Erstadkeepsinshapebyrunningintohisgaragedooratfullspeedfor45minuteseach?

morning。

DavidRaposa:OntheTheotip,IamverymuchlookingforwardtothatLackey/Zambranochallengetrade。

Bostonwouldn’tmindhavingZaround:you’dhaveabuilt-inscapegoatforallclubhouseissues,andyouwouldn’thavetoworryaboutotherplayersnoshingongreasygrubbetween?

innings。

DavidRoth:TheonlythingIamconcernedaboutnow,baseball-wise,isTonyLaRussagettingbacktotheWorldSeries。

Ifthatdoesn’thappen,I’mprettymuch?

good。

DavidRaposa:YoumeanLEGENDARYHALL-OF-FAMEMANAGERTonyLaRussa。

TherebutforthegraceofLanceBerkman’sdieticianandKyleLohse’semery?

board…

DavidRoth:AslongastheybeattheCardinalsandsparemeanothercoupleweeksofLaRussa’sBruce-Jenner-pickled-in-vinegarselfscowlingthroughapitchingchange,theBrewerscandowhatevertheywant。

ReplaceYovaniGallardowithGovernorScottWalker。

AddLatrellSprewelltothepostseasonroster。

Whatever,Iwillbeintheir?

debt。

DavidRaposa:Meanwhile,BruceJennerlookslikewhatwouldhappenifyousoakedTomCruiseineggdropsoupandX-Actoknivesfora?

year。

DavidRoth:Whymustweimmerseourmostadmirablemalesinliquid?

ThatisthethingthatannoysmethemostaboutAmericarightnow。

ThatandLaRussausingfourpitcherstogetthreeoutsandhavingabenchmadeupentirelyofNick?

Puntos。

DavidRaposa:HaveyouseenNickPunto’slinethisyear?

He’sabsolutelyEcksteinian!

Inthegoodway!

(That’stotallyduetoTonyLaRussausinghimeffectivelyagainsteveryteam’slong-reliefman)

DavidRoth:HerearetherequirementsforbeingonTonyLaRussa’sbench:1)Sluggingpercentageof?

325orlower,2)Western/SouthernEuropeancestry,3)57orshorter,4)Beingcoolwithlate-nightphonecallsfromLaRussathatbegin“Ican’tsleep。

I’mtoomadaboutillegal?

aliens。



DavidRaposa:Don’tforget5)CanplaycatcherwhenTLRuseshis3rd-stringerasapinch-runnerinthe5thinning。

Areone-syllablefirstnamesalsoapre-requisite,oramIconfusingthatwithhis2Bspecifications?

DavidRoth:Anyonecangetthoseconfused。

Youshouldn’tfeelbadabout?

it。

DavidRaposa:EXCLUSIVE:IntheSt。

Louisclubhouse,JonJayandAllenCraigplayJenganakedbeforegameswhileJakeWestbrookdrinksSt。

Idesandlistensto“hip-hop?

music。



DavidRoth:Andthatiswhatmakesthemchampions。

Suchathinlinebetween“fuckingidiots”and“ThebelovedWorldChampion‘idiots’”Imisswhen“idiot”wasjustashortwayofsaying“Johnny?

Damon。



DavidRaposa:Itallcomesbacktohair。

CutoffLaRussa’sexecutivebowlcutandheturnsintoStumpMerrill。

AndAlbertPujolsbecomesOscar?

Azocar。

DavidRoth:OscarAzocar!

IrememberhavingaBaseballProspectus,andAzocar’sentrywasalljokesabouthim。

I’mprettysureI’mnotmakingthis?

up。

DavidRoth:TheyhadtheLovesToFace/HatesToFaceforeveryhitter。

ForAzocartheyhadwhoeverheHatedToFace?

—?

JoseDeLeonorRickRhodenorsomeotherjanitor-looking1980schucker?

—?

andthen“LovesToChase:BadPitches。



DavidRaposa:Thatsoundsabout?

right。

DavidRoth:Andthensomethingabout“Areyourlegstired?

DriveanAzo-Carandyou’llneverwalk?

again!



DavidRoth:Idon’trememberiftheyhadthoseforotherplayers。

LikeiftheLovesToFaceforRonKarkovicejustread:“Hahahahaha”

DavidRaposa:OnlyaplayerwithAzocar’sparticular“skillset”couldinspiresuchgreatness。

TheonlyotherguythatmighthaveacomparableLaughsAboveReplacementPlayer(LARP)isSidney?

Ponson。

I’mquotingaUnitedNationsresolution,here:“ItisrarethattheGeneralAssemblyvotesunanimouslyonanymeasure,butwealljustkindofgetthatSidneyPonsoncan’tbetrustedwithaSki-Doo,evenunderprofessionalsupervision。



DavidRoth:Oh,SirSid。

Heisoneoftheonlypeopleintheworldnotallowedtorentajet-ski。

Anywhere。

OnlyNorthKoreawillrenthimone,andtheonlyonetheyhaveisinKimJongIl’spenis-shapedpoolofsinglemaltscotch?

so…

DavidRaposa:IfKimJongIlhadsuchapool,I’mprettysureSidneywouldjustbellyflopintothatthingnakedanddrainitinabout45minutes。

Whilerectallyinhaling7–11taquitos。

DavidRoth:I’mquotingaUnitedNationsresolution,here:“ItisrarethattheGeneralAssemblyvotesunanimouslyonanymeasure,butwealljustkindofgetthatSidneyPonsoncan’tbetrustedwithaSki-Doo,evenunderprofessionalsupervision。

”Thatiswhyyoucan’tinvitehimtoyourhouse。

Ornation。

Royalsfansalreadyknow?

this。

DavidRaposa:I’lljusthavetoawardhimthekeytothegreatcityofHartfordvia?

Skype。

DavidRoth:So,whataretheteamsyouactuallywanttoseeintheWorldSeries?

MinearetheBrewersandRangers。

But,like,the1982BrewersandtheRangersteamsthatwerebuiltaroundRustyGreer。

The1980sBrewerswerethegreatest。

Theyalllookedlikeadifferenttypeofembarrassingstepdad。

DavidRaposa:IgetakickoutofthoseMLBpromosthatshowBrewerspastandpresent。

BecausewhenIthinkofthose’80sBrewerssquads,IthinkofYount,Molitor…andDon?

Sutton?

DavidRoth:IpersonallythinkofSuttonasamoreembarrassingprospectivestepdadthanGormanThomas。

Butbotharenotanyoneyouwantsaying,“Iwantyoutostartcallingme‘Dad,’okay?

sport?



DavidRaposa:“Hey,champ。

IsawyouwerelisteningtotheradiowhilewewenttogetourweeklyFribble,soIboughtyouthisJuiceNewton?

LP!



DavidRoth:ThereisalotIdidn’tknowaboutGormanThomas,apparently。

Beginningwiththefactthathe1)playedCFonthatBrewersteamand2)apparentlylovedtryingtostealbasesdespitebeingbuiltlikeaLondon?

Broil。

DavidRaposa:Hecontainsmultitudes。

Inhishandlebarmoustache。

DavidRoth:Forhiscareer,Gormanstole50basesandwascaught49times!

Sohefinishedhiscareerinthepositive。

That’s?

great。

DavidRaposa:Acaught-stealing’sasgoodasa4–3putouttoaslow?

man。

DavidRoth:Hisbestseasonswerethebestseasons。

Iwishtheystillmade?

244–42–135seasons,with175strikeouts,a?

535sluggingpercentage,andonestealagainstfivecaught-stealings。

DavidRaposa:Well,hemightnotdriveinasmanyguys,orrunaspoorly,butfeastyoureyesonTheFuture!

Whichisthenear-present!

DavidRoth:Ah,goodpoint。

AlthoughThomaswasn’thalfthebase-stealingthreat(?

)thatAdamDunn?

is。

DavidRaposa:Accordingtoteamsources,Dunn“runswellforabigman,”butlikesto“pickhis?

spots。



DavidRoth:Healso“looksandrunslikeWillFerrell。

”NotthatI’mmadaboutthat。

WatchingsluggersGoGelatinousisoneofthegreatjoysoffollowingbaseballoverthelongterm。

MiguelCabreraisbasicallyturningintoamanateebeforeour?

eyes。

DavidRaposa:Andhe’sstillgoodforwhathe’sgettingpaidtodo。

Aslongashedoesn’toverextendhimself。

Whiletyinghisshoes。

(IkidbecauseI,too,breakoutintoanot-so-coldsweatwhilerisingfromtheseatedposition。

)

DavidRoth:YoustilllookhealthierthanJoeBucksounds。

Andjudgingbythewhuuut-is-happeningfacehemakesafterhigh-fivingTimMcCarver,Buckisn’tfeelingthatgreat?

either。

DavidRaposa:Idunno,BuckactuallysoundedsomewhatengagedwhenTitowasinthebooth。

MaybeTitobroughtalongapre-releasecopyofArkham?

City?

DavidRoth:Yeah,hewasmoreawakethanusual。

I’mjustworriedabouthim,Iguess。

Ithinkheshouldtakeafewyearsoff。

TwitterhasalreadygivenusthespectacleofBucktravelingthroughtime,undersellingvarioushistoricalevents。

Heshouldfocuson?

that。

DavidRaposa:HeneedstogoDIYandmakehisown?

show。

DavidRoth:Webisodes。

DavidRaposa:Animatedwebisodes。

FromthefolksthatmadethatSportsGuy?

cartoon。

DavidRoth:Yes,morefromthepeoplebehindtheSportsGuyCartoon?

please。

DavidRaposa:WouldyourathertheAnderson/Smoltz/Darlingcomboberesponsibleforpromoting“Terra?

Nova”?

DavidRoth:Buckdoesseemuniquelywell-suitedforthatparticulargig。

DavidRaposa:Heputsthe“null”in“consummateprofessional。



DavidRoth:Heputsthe“flu”in“mellifluous。



DavidRaposa:Heputsthe“der”in“ponderous。



DavidRoth?

QUIPS。

DavidRaposa:Fromthemindsthatgaveyou“Skin”and“K-Ville”!

Thisfallon?

Fox!

DavidRothco-writestheWallStreetJournal’sDailyFix,contributestothesportsblogCan’tStoptheBleedingandhashisownlittlewebsite。

Andhe?

tweets!

DavidRaposawritesaboutmusicforPitchforkandotherplaces。

HeusedtowriteaboutbaseballfortheblogformerlyknownasYardWork。

Heoccasionallyblogsforhimself,andhealsotweetswaytoo?