Photoshop The News – The Awl

byJoe?

Tonelli

LookatthisphotoofBobBarkerandDrewCarey。

They’rejusttwofriends,sharingavastbodyofknowledgeabouttheMSRPsofhouseholdgoodsandaloveofresponsiblepetownershippractices。

Butimagineforasecond,iftherewassomething…more。

You’reacrewmemberon“ThePriceIsRight”who’sbouncedaroundtheindustryforafewyearsoutofcollege,you’redoingokay,butit’sstillearlyinyourcareer,thebridgesyou’regoingtoburnaren’tvery?

long。

“Hmm,whatarethosetwoshadowslurkingbehindthePlinko?

board?



“OMIGODISTHATWHOITHINKITIS!



*snapsafewgrainyiPhone?

photos*

It’sprobablynotwhatyouthinkitis,butyou’regoingtoofferthosephotostothatscuzzypaparazzoyoumetatSURforaquickfifty?

bucks。

AndthenthenextdaythenewsisblaringintheNationalInquirer:MAY-DECEMBERROMANCESPRINGSUPBETWEENTVSHOTTESTDAYTIMEGAMESHOW?

HOSTS

Icouldgoon,however,Iamnotafanficwriter?

—?

infact,Iamnotevenanon-ficwriter。

Ipossessasmallbluecheckmark(whichIprobablydonotdeserve),meaningpeopleonTwitterarerequiredtotakemeseriously。

Thisgotmethinkingtomyself,“Joebaby,youneedtogetyourselfsomescoopstoletpeopleknowyou’retherealdeal!

”Showthemyou’resomeonewithexclusivesandembargoes。

Someonewhowrotetktk?

once。

Thenonedaymycoworkersaidtome,“Hey,imagineifthePropertyBrotherskissed?

TheyseemliketheydothatandIwouldverymuchliketoseeit。

”AndIsaystoher,“Oh,theyhave,andIhavetheexclusivefootagetoproveit。

”Andafterjustafewminutes,thestory?

broke!

EXCLUSIVEFOOTAGE:PROPERTYBROTHERSKISSINGFORTHEFIRSTTIMEpic。

twitter。

com/weZFMNNjtd

—Toenails(@joetoenails)February25?

2016

Fromthenon,Iknewanystoryaboutmalecelebritieskissingcouldbemine,nomatterhowwild。

Afterall,thebestthingaboutbeingajournalistin2016isthatyougettomakeupanystoryyouwant!

SoIgivethepeoplewhattheywant,whichislies。

Butreallies!

Withreal(ish)facts!

WhocaresifthefactsweremanufacturedpoorlyinPhotoshop?

Nobody!

Andlesssome!

WelcometoNewYorkChannelZero,homeoftaglineslike“noneofthenews?

never。



HOLYSHIT,THEWHITEHOUSEDOESNOTWANTYOUTOSEETHIS!

OBAMAANDTRUDEAUCAUGHTSMOOCHIN!

pic。

twitter。

com/828JSIYrw4?

—?

Toenails(@joetoenails)March10?

2016

I’maone-manmediaragwithacrackedversionofPhotoshoptweetingatabreakneckpace,Ican’tbestopped!

Plus,I’mthemosttransparent(0%opacity)newssourceoutthere!

Youcanseemywholeeditorialprocessfrom“layerviacut”to“saveforwebanddevices。



WOW!

EXCLUSIVEDELETEDSCENEFROMBATMANVSUPERMAN!

ASUPERHEROSMOOCH!

pic。

twitter。

com/YYAy2hSJod?

—?

Toenails(@joetoenails)March29?

2016

Anddoyouknowwhatelse?

Beingbadatsomethingishilarious。

Iambadatalotofthings,includingPhotoshopandinvestigativemakeoutjournalism。

Butthathasn’tstoppedmefrompursuingboththosethings。

Infact,it’sinspiredme。

MypowerislimitedonlybymyownimaginationandthephotosIcanfindbysearching“MichaelStrahankiss,”literallynothingelse!

Notreality,that’sfordangsure!

Look,noteveryoneshouldkisseveryone。

Butwhenitcomestotwofamouspeople,theyshouldprobablydefinitelyjust?

kiss。

OHMYGODTHISISWHYMICHAELSTRAHANLEFT!

11!

UNBELIEVABLEFOOTAGE!

pic。

twitter。

com/sYkronS9u5?

—?

Toenails(@joetoenails)April22?

2016

They’re(Iassume)doingweirdrichpeoplestuffanyway,soisittoofaroutofthebagtoimaginethemkissing?

Theideasarealreadyrumblinggrumblingaroundinpeople’sheads,justlookatalltheFinn/Poestuffoutthere!

OrCruz/Trump!

EXCLUSIVE:TRUMPANDCHRISTIEKISSINGFORTHEFIRSTTIME。

RUBIOSTUNNED!

pic。

twitter。

com/x1R3YAH4I1?

—?

Toenails(@joetoenails)February26?

2016

(Ohitisalloutthere,myfriend)。

Ijustprovideashuttleservicefortheimaginationwithmyextremelylimitedskillset。

Ican’tgetusallthewaythere,butwithafewcopyandpastes,we’rehalfwaytosmooch-ville。

It’s2016,IcanfindpicturesofalmostanytwofamousguystogethersoI’mgonnakeepdoingthething。

AndifIcan’t,Icanstillmakethemkiss?

—?

trust?